Be Informed - Learn the Dynamics of Abuse

Gaslighting is a powerful and very subtle tool of a controller or abuser.  It is the psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.  

Gaslighting can be a very effective tool for the abuser to control an individual. It's done slowly so the victim writes off the event as a one off or oddity and doesn't realize they are being controlled and manipulated.

 Gaslighting can take place in both personal and professional relationships, and it can also happen by public figures. 

• "I never said that."
• "I did that because I love you."
• "I don't know why you're making such a huge deal of this."
• "You're being overly sensitive."
• "You are being dramatic."
• "You are the issue, not me."
• "If you loved me, you would..."
• "You are crazy." 
• "You're being delusional."
• "You are just insecure."
• "You are so selfish if you don't do this for me."
• "You're imagining things."
• "You made me do that."
• "You don't really feel that way."
• "That never happened.
• "It's not that big a deal."
• "You're just being paranoid."

 Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and abuse, and it doesn't have a place in a supportive and loving relationship. When we can identify when it's happening, however, we're better able to handle it, honor our own needs, and protect our boundaries. 

When we have experienced gaslighting, we lose a sense of our own emotional barometer. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.

The bottom line is, gaslighting is a huge red flag that a relationship is not in a healthy place. Even when the gaslighting is unintentional, it's still harmful to the receiver, and the behavior always comes from a controlling place on the part of the gaslighter.

If you've been gaslighted, it's important to show yourself compassion and remind yourself that you are not at fault. Set boundaries with the gaslighter and surround yourself with people you trust who can validate your experience.

 28 Gaslighting Examples + Phrases To Look Out For | mindbodygreen 

 Interactions in which one person behaves in a cruel, violent, demeaning, or invasive manner toward another person. The term most commonly implies physical mistreatment but also encompasses sexual and psychological

(emotional) mistreatment. 

Spiritual Abuse, Neglect, Exploitation and Abandonment are all forms of abuse.

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Spiritual abuse, or religious abuse, is one of the most damaging forms of psychological coercion which can take years before a person fully heals from the trauma it causes them. Spiritual abuse happens in all religious or spiritual beliefs and systems. It is used within intimate relationships, parent-child relationships, and institutional or organizational structures (churches, mosques, temples, etc.) to compel action, silence, inaction or to manipulate or punish its victim.

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Abuse is NOT always physical or obvious.

Abusers don't abuse everyone. 

One person's experience with an individual may be very different from another.  Some examples of covert or subtle abuse are below. 

· Intimidating through anger or emotion.

· Invading personal space without touching.

· Blocking someone from exiting a room.

· Threats or intimidation. 

  Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. These people may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.  

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SPECIAL ME 

1. Sense of self-importance
2. Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success 
3. Entitled
4. Can only be around people who are important or special
5. Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
6. Arrogant
7. Lack empathy
8. Must be admired
9. Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

  Warning Signs of Abuse - The Hotline

 Emotional Abuse Quiz for Christian Women (typeform.com)  

 9 Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder | Duke Health 

 Trauma Bonding Explained: Signs and How to Break the Bond (themendproject.com)

Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz

 PBS Quiz - The PBT Institute 

 Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. It occurs when the abused person forms a connection or relationship with the person who abuses them. The person experiencing abuse may develop sympathy for the abusive person.  It typically occurs when the abused person begins to develop sympathy or affection for the abuser.

This bond can develop over days, weeks, or months.

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Some key signs of trauma bonding include: 

• You are willing to overlook the abuse in order to re-experience love bombing. 
• You cover up or minimize the abuse by making excuses for the abuser’s behavior.
• You lie to others about the abuse.
• No matter what, you can barely fathom leaving the relationship; the thought makes you feel sick.
• A hyper-focus on the abuser’s every want or need.
• An overly deep sense of gratitude for even the smallest acts of kindness from the abuser.
• Appeasing their partner in ways that conflict with the victim’s own values
• Anyone who encourages the victim to leave the relationship, is seen as an “enemy”.

  Group Think occurs when individuals in the group arrive at a consensus without critical thinking or evaluating alternative perspectives.  This phenomenon is based on a desire to not upset the status quo or tradition for tradition's sake. 

An environment in which a person encounters only beliefs or opinions that coincide with their own, so that their existing views are reinforced, and alternative ideas are not considered. 

  Grooming is a gradual process. The abuser picks their target, builds up trust so they can manipulate or abuse them later. It often starts with friendship. The groomer will look for ways to gain their target's trust, often with gifts or promises or social approval.

 Shaming involves degrading, humiliating, insulting, embarrassing, and even dehumanizing others.  This a tactic that can be used to control others.

Broad research has shown that self-compassion is the antidote to shame.

Canceling and silencing are powerful tools of manipulation and control. Cancel culture has to do with the cutting off of relationships and or the removing of support for others in response to their objectionable behavior or opinions. When canceling is part of a church or social group, the feeling of being silenced is common.  When there is a fear of losing relationships, friends and even family within a social group or church setting - this can empower those in positions of authority to continue in their abusing behaviors. Silencing and canceling not only manifests itself in small group conversations but in one-to-one conversations, meetings and more broadly in social media. 

   Fearmongering, or scaremongering, is a form of manipulation that causes fear by using exaggerated rumors of impending danger. Ways of achieving a particular result by frightening people so much that they do what you want them to do. 

For example

"If you leave your church, you will be cursed. God will not be with you. Bad things will happen to you."

Cognitive Dissonance is a psychological term that refers to the mental discomfort or psychological stress experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, values, or ideas.

Breaking free from a toxic relationship can be a challenging process, especially when you have invested so much time, energy, and emotions into the relationship.

In many cases, people stay in toxic relationships because they feel stuck or trapped due to cognitive dissonance.

In the context of a toxic relationship, cognitive dissonance can occur when a person knows that their partner, church, or workplace is toxic and yet continues to stay in the relationship or environment.

 Breaking Free: 7 Clear Ways to Break Through Cognitive Dissonance Now (movingforwardafterabuse.com) 

Recognizing you are experiencing cognitive dissonance is not always a simple process. The narcissist gradually wears down your self-awareness and self-trust, leaving you vulnerable to their manipulations.

The most common signs of cognitive dissonance include:

• Doubting your own memory or recollection of events, conversations, and experiences
• Second-guessing decisions and choices
• Becoming paralyzed with indecision
• Inability to trust your own decision-making process
• Feeling like there is something wrong with you
• Withdrawing from social interactions
• Constantly apologizing for things that the other person does or says.
• Recognizing lies from the partner, pastor or employer but defending their actions, words, and behaviors. 

 Narcissists, Relationships, and Cognitive Dissonance | Psychology Today